Just Being Honest

I have this video that I love on YouTube, it's called "Marcel the Shell with Shoes On". In the first few lines Marcel says that he likes a lot about himself. I, like Marcel, have a lot of things I like about myself and I hate when people don't know those basic things about me. So, world, here ya go.

1) I don't do drama. I haven't for a very long time. It's high school. It's immature. I don't play games or tell lies just to get a rise out of people or see how they'll react. It's not worth it. I like to watch people as time progresses. There is no need to instigate anything because eventually you'll figure out how the person reacts. Or maybe you'll never have too.

2) I like to read. It's made me the person I am, honestly. And people who thinking reading is pointless bother me. I don't think you have to read but I do, so there. Books make me comfortable and make me calm. I don't think I'd be the calm, introspective person I am without them. I also don't think I would be creative person I am. 

3) I handle stress better than most people. I do a million things a day. A lot of people do a lot of things, yes, but you will hardly ever hear me complain because I love everything I do. If I didn't love it, I wouldn't do it. The fact that I sometimes don't sleep or I have to put off eating doesn't bother me because I'm happy doing this, being busy. 

4) I'm scared of love. I've done it and I got hurt. Typical story but it's why I am the way I am. I have walls that I want someone to break down so badly but I'm scared I won't find someone who will take the time or who I will want to let in.

5) I don't rush time. I'm fine where I am in my life. I'm not saying I sit back and don't do anything but I don't want to be grown up. I like being in college at this very moment so I'm making the most of it. And when I graduate and get my first job, I will make the most of that. And when I get married and have my first kid, I will enjoy that. But all in good time.

So there you go. Five things you need to know and now maybe you'll understand me a little better.

Living in a Movie

What if I became like the girl from No Strings Attached? Who would want to be like that you might ask - someone who has been hurt. Then I think, maybe I already am like that. I tell myself every day that I don’t want to be in a relationship, that I don’t have time, that I don’t even know if I wanted to get married and I definitely don’t want to have kids. I know that I say those things because being hurt as badly as I once was, was one too many times. And it wasn’t even that bad. People have been hurt worse but I’m fragile. I was fragile and he knew that. He took advantage and now the way I view relationships is forever changed. But maybe that’s why I think I need that fairytale love story that only seems to happen in movies. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m this way because like in the movie, she ends up with the guy who fights for her. Because even though I don’t want to be in a relationship, somebody is going to want to be in one with me and will fight to change my mind because they know I’m worth being with. They’ll know that I will make a good girlfriend or wife and they’ll see past how I brush everyone off.

And of course, I joke about it everyday, say I’ll be everyone’s bridesmaid. And then I realize I’m going to be like the girl in 27 Dresses. I’ve obviously been watching too many movies but I’m not the only one who says it. The problem is that I don’t want to always be the bridesmaid. I want some day to be the bride. And I think part of having someone sweep me off my feet is knowing that I won’t settle. I won’t be taken advantage of again because I know what I deserve and what I want. Every girl should know what they want and be treated like they are someone’s world. Especially when that girl is going to treat her guy the same way.

I have never done anything to deserve what happened to me; at least I don’t think so. I’ve always been a good girlfriend but I trusted too easily. So in summary, I don’t say what I mean. I have a wall and I know I do. If I end up alone, then I end up alone. I’ll be okay alone; I’ll be okay with whatever life throws at me. But I don’t want to be. So every day I will wake up and remind myself that he’s out there somewhere and I don’t have to settle.

Fighting Back

A picture of my team at Relay for Life.

This weekend I participated in Relay for Life. I love everything about Relay. My team was awesome, the cause is amazing and you share a connection with everyone there, whether you know someone or are someone who has suffered from cancer. I have never personally known anyone who has had cancer and I'm extremely grateful for that but I still walk because I know that if I had cancer or knew someone who had cancer, I would want someone walking for me or my family.

My favorite part has always been the luminary ceremony for the poems and the songs dedicated to survivors and fighters of cancer. This year though, I had a whole new experience that opened my eyes to how amazing Relay is for not only me but why it is special to each person. An event that literally changed my whole view of Relay. That made it that much more amazing.

I met a man this weekend who started running around the track at 11PM. I was talking to my friend about him because she runs marathons with him. She told me he was running not for training but for his parents. Both of his parents had been diagnosed with cancer and he said this was his way of "fighting back". I literally started balling. Putting myself in his shoes, he was truly inspirational. To have both of your parents suffer from something so huge, something that can make or break a family; his strength amazed me. I started telling all my friends about what his plan was. He wanted to run until 6AM. Everyone on my team was amazed by this guy.

And then 1:55AM rolled around. You could see the pain in his face from all the running. He'd been trying to stay hydrated and eating but he was sore. I couldn't believe it when he stopped running at 2AM. I froze. You could see the disappointment when he came to a stop but there is only so far we can push our bodies. He had run so far and so long. 

That's when my friends and I decided that we wanted to walk laps with him. At least one. Just to talk to him, to hear his story, to let him know that we are walking because of people like his parents. To let him know that he isn't alone in this battle.

And so we walked.

Growing Up

Why the need to grow up? What's the rush?

I have friends who are married, engaged, or having/have babies. I'm 20 years old, for me, that still seems young. Young enough to be living my own life instead of caring for someone else's life. I'm not saying marriage at a young age is wrong, if you're in love and you want to spend forever with that person, then by all means, it's your life. But I think the biggest thing for me is the idea of having a baby so young.

After you get married, why do you feel like you have to start a family right away? Research even says that it's important for married couples to be married and by themselves for 2-3 years; it's the honeymoon period. It's the time when you really get to know someone because after that time is over, you have 20+ years you will dedicate to another human being and you and your partner are going to be so different in 20+ years whether you believe it or not; especially depending on how old you are when you start having kids.

And, why when you get pregnant do you feel like you have to rush into marriage right away? If you're pregnant, all that time and money you would be spending on a wedding should go to your child don't you think?

I like being a kid. I like being 20 years old and still considering myself a kid. I'm making mistakes and living my life. This is the only time you get to fuck up. You get married and you have kids and you are dedicated to another human being for forever. I'm not ready for that commitment because I'm focusing on the most important person I know, myself. I think everyone needs that time for themselves, to be alone. If you're 16-20 and you think that you've spent enough time alone, you haven't evaluated the length of a life.

Why do we as a society feel we have to push kids to grow up? Maturing and growing up are two different things here. I take 19 hours of class, I have a job and I'm involved in two campus groups, one being greek life. I'd say I'm mature, but no where close to being grown up or even wanting to grow up. For me, I'm not ready for marriage or kids. In fact, I don't even know if I want either of those things. When someone comes into my life and can change that idea for me, then I will know they are the one. But I don't think it will happen in college - AND THAT'S OKAY! College isn't the beginning or ending, it's just part of the journey.

I just need my life to go back to normal

Well, at least what I would consider my life to be normal. Right now I feel like God is throwing a lot of curve balls my way and I don't know how to handle them. I've just shut down and it hurts that I can't do anything about it, I can't even pull myself out of it. I have no idea how to go about this. I just need something solid in my life to hold on too and I think the only thing I have right now is work. I haven't seen any of my friends but at least I have work. Sure, it's not my favorite job in the world and it's tiring and somedays are worse than others, but it's there. Everyday. Same job, same people, same tasks. Just something normal, something with a pattern.

Part of me is ready to go back to school because I'm bored out of my mind (besides work). I think way to much when I'm bored and I can't handle it anymore. The other part of me doesn't want to leave until my mom has a job and my dad is back to normal because I know I will worry about it every day I'm away. My sister yelled at me today about how we're not in the best financial situation. It was one of the most frustrating things because I have known that since my senior year of high school. And it's also something I hate talking about. My mom knows that. Her and I brush on the subject every now and then since high school but my sister is just now realizing this because she is in the same situation I was when I realized it. College is expensive. She's got some great schools she's looking into. She's smart, way smarter than I am, and her colleges are on the pricier side. I understand the stress she is going through and why she is taking it out on me because I did the same thing to her. It's just a lot harder with only one working parent who isn't really working at the moment and having an older sister in college.

That's another thing. Kasich and his whole taxes on higher education. I can't imagine not being in college. I love it. It's been the best year and a half of my life. I've learned so much from classes and experiences and grown so much. That experience is not something that should have a price tag on it, and yet, it does. And now it's looking at an even bigger price tag. I guess it comes down to, "Yes, I believe education is worth all the money in the world." However, "I can't afford an education worth all the money in the world."

And I love learning. I love my media classes. And my business classes - they are challenging and yes, they scare me for what the real world is like and where I will be in 3 years but they are necessary. The lessons I've learned and the people, the different views I get on everything, I love it. I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. And I mean that.

I wonder what my life will be like in 3 years. Scary to think about and yet impossible not to face.

I just need a solid something in my life.

Harry Potter: Christian, Relationships, The End.

In my media class that I took this quarter I got the chance to do a presentation on Harry Potter and how Christians view the franchise. We started by talking about how some Christians believe that the books and movies are evil due to the Occult references. However, I got the section about the other Christians who look at Harry Potter with discernment - the idea that you can read the books through a rose-tinted glass. That Harry Potter actually reflects many Christian beliefs and ideas about love and sin, good and evil.

I was really lucky I got to read this section personally because after I did my presentation I found out that a woman at my church was trying to tell children about the evil ways of the books. However, she was trying to tell this to "children" who were between the ages of 16-18 and have been reading Harry Potter their whole lives. For me, it's never been a question that Harry Potter wasn't evil. The fact is that JK Rowling has opened a world that interests children to read. I credit my book obsession to Rowling in a lot of ways. The books have been with my since 3rd grade and I haven't stopped reading since. I remember my private school teacher reading them to us, a chapter everyday.

We can look at Harry Potter and the idea of Christian love and of friendship. The thing about these books is you can relate to them at any age. As a child I loved the fantasy world and idea of a school that accepted people that were different. My dad reads them and is just in love with them as my sister and I are. And now, at this point in my life, I read the books and watch the movies and focus on the romantic relationships that are a plot line in themselves. Mostly, I look at the relationship between Hermoine and Ron.

This is the type of relationship I'm convinced I will have and want. I've known for awhile that I need a guy who will be my friend before anything else. Someone who I can be comfortable around and we can both have friends were we don't have to make it awkward. Also, both of these characters are so different and have things that they are both interested in but they are still drawn to each other. I want someone who has their own life and I have my own life but when we are combined, we both add something to each other. They fight, yes. They are different, yes. More than anything, they're realistic. It's not a perfect relationship, it's real. They are able to talk about things and work things out; love each other despite their differences and in fact, they are both better people because they have loved.

As I sat in the theatre Thursday night at midnight for the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, I realized that this was the beginning of an end and I wasn't ready for it. Sure, I'd been waiting all day, all week - lets be honest, years - for this premiere and I didn't want to go through with it. It was a representation of my childhood ending right in front of me, forcing me to grow up and make the world I had always believed in just a thing of the past. Hogwarts will always be real for some child but for me, I have been with Harry from the beginning, from his conception and only my generation can say that. This movie was for us - for those of us who had been with Harry since the beginning, for those of us who saw ourselves in the characters and for those of us who believed that magic was and is real.

My children will know about Harry Potter but they will never understand the excitement and how real it was to so many of us. Each book and movie release, I was there. It seems unreal. For the magic that you gave to my childhood, thank you JK Rowling, thank you.

Our paths may cross

"A man may dwell so long upon a thought that it may take him prisoner." -George Savile


Which is really code for, "stop-thinking-about-it-or-else-you'll-over-think-it". Or, "let-God-do-it". Making a thought your constant comfort may drown you in the unknown or the reality you have allowed into your mind and yours alone.


This quote only slightly reflects the mindset I have recently adapted and so far, life is going beautifully by following it. But like any good thing, the longer stick with it, the happier you'll be with the results. So I figure, if I'm already this happy a few weeks later, what in about a few months? Or a few years? There is so much of this journey called life to look forward too, it's indescribable.