I just need my life to go back to normal

Well, at least what I would consider my life to be normal. Right now I feel like God is throwing a lot of curve balls my way and I don't know how to handle them. I've just shut down and it hurts that I can't do anything about it, I can't even pull myself out of it. I have no idea how to go about this. I just need something solid in my life to hold on too and I think the only thing I have right now is work. I haven't seen any of my friends but at least I have work. Sure, it's not my favorite job in the world and it's tiring and somedays are worse than others, but it's there. Everyday. Same job, same people, same tasks. Just something normal, something with a pattern.

Part of me is ready to go back to school because I'm bored out of my mind (besides work). I think way to much when I'm bored and I can't handle it anymore. The other part of me doesn't want to leave until my mom has a job and my dad is back to normal because I know I will worry about it every day I'm away. My sister yelled at me today about how we're not in the best financial situation. It was one of the most frustrating things because I have known that since my senior year of high school. And it's also something I hate talking about. My mom knows that. Her and I brush on the subject every now and then since high school but my sister is just now realizing this because she is in the same situation I was when I realized it. College is expensive. She's got some great schools she's looking into. She's smart, way smarter than I am, and her colleges are on the pricier side. I understand the stress she is going through and why she is taking it out on me because I did the same thing to her. It's just a lot harder with only one working parent who isn't really working at the moment and having an older sister in college.

That's another thing. Kasich and his whole taxes on higher education. I can't imagine not being in college. I love it. It's been the best year and a half of my life. I've learned so much from classes and experiences and grown so much. That experience is not something that should have a price tag on it, and yet, it does. And now it's looking at an even bigger price tag. I guess it comes down to, "Yes, I believe education is worth all the money in the world." However, "I can't afford an education worth all the money in the world."

And I love learning. I love my media classes. And my business classes - they are challenging and yes, they scare me for what the real world is like and where I will be in 3 years but they are necessary. The lessons I've learned and the people, the different views I get on everything, I love it. I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. And I mean that.

I wonder what my life will be like in 3 years. Scary to think about and yet impossible not to face.

I just need a solid something in my life.

Harry Potter: Christian, Relationships, The End.

In my media class that I took this quarter I got the chance to do a presentation on Harry Potter and how Christians view the franchise. We started by talking about how some Christians believe that the books and movies are evil due to the Occult references. However, I got the section about the other Christians who look at Harry Potter with discernment - the idea that you can read the books through a rose-tinted glass. That Harry Potter actually reflects many Christian beliefs and ideas about love and sin, good and evil.

I was really lucky I got to read this section personally because after I did my presentation I found out that a woman at my church was trying to tell children about the evil ways of the books. However, she was trying to tell this to "children" who were between the ages of 16-18 and have been reading Harry Potter their whole lives. For me, it's never been a question that Harry Potter wasn't evil. The fact is that JK Rowling has opened a world that interests children to read. I credit my book obsession to Rowling in a lot of ways. The books have been with my since 3rd grade and I haven't stopped reading since. I remember my private school teacher reading them to us, a chapter everyday.

We can look at Harry Potter and the idea of Christian love and of friendship. The thing about these books is you can relate to them at any age. As a child I loved the fantasy world and idea of a school that accepted people that were different. My dad reads them and is just in love with them as my sister and I are. And now, at this point in my life, I read the books and watch the movies and focus on the romantic relationships that are a plot line in themselves. Mostly, I look at the relationship between Hermoine and Ron.

This is the type of relationship I'm convinced I will have and want. I've known for awhile that I need a guy who will be my friend before anything else. Someone who I can be comfortable around and we can both have friends were we don't have to make it awkward. Also, both of these characters are so different and have things that they are both interested in but they are still drawn to each other. I want someone who has their own life and I have my own life but when we are combined, we both add something to each other. They fight, yes. They are different, yes. More than anything, they're realistic. It's not a perfect relationship, it's real. They are able to talk about things and work things out; love each other despite their differences and in fact, they are both better people because they have loved.

As I sat in the theatre Thursday night at midnight for the premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, I realized that this was the beginning of an end and I wasn't ready for it. Sure, I'd been waiting all day, all week - lets be honest, years - for this premiere and I didn't want to go through with it. It was a representation of my childhood ending right in front of me, forcing me to grow up and make the world I had always believed in just a thing of the past. Hogwarts will always be real for some child but for me, I have been with Harry from the beginning, from his conception and only my generation can say that. This movie was for us - for those of us who had been with Harry since the beginning, for those of us who saw ourselves in the characters and for those of us who believed that magic was and is real.

My children will know about Harry Potter but they will never understand the excitement and how real it was to so many of us. Each book and movie release, I was there. It seems unreal. For the magic that you gave to my childhood, thank you JK Rowling, thank you.

Our paths may cross

"A man may dwell so long upon a thought that it may take him prisoner." -George Savile


Which is really code for, "stop-thinking-about-it-or-else-you'll-over-think-it". Or, "let-God-do-it". Making a thought your constant comfort may drown you in the unknown or the reality you have allowed into your mind and yours alone.


This quote only slightly reflects the mindset I have recently adapted and so far, life is going beautifully by following it. But like any good thing, the longer stick with it, the happier you'll be with the results. So I figure, if I'm already this happy a few weeks later, what in about a few months? Or a few years? There is so much of this journey called life to look forward too, it's indescribable.

sometimes all we need is prayer

Today was the first day of classes and all went really well. I love my professors, I'm getting closer to my roommates everyday and friendships are becoming stronger. However tonight, despite a wonderful day, I seemed to be in a funk. I just wasn't feeling myself.

So I wrote. I wrote my feelings of why I was upset at the night and how it worked out. When I told Nick I wasn't feeling like myself though and I really just needed prayer, he gave me just that. Called me and prayed with me over the phone. Prayed for the friendship I had given him, that my physical and mental pain would be washed away and that God would drive my actions. Until he said this, I didn't realize that I had left God out of my night.

I started to cry. I have put God in such control of my life and the moment I pushed him and his plan aside for one night, I felt in even less control. When God is steering my life, all is well. I'm happy and in a good place. Tonight made me realize how much I need God in my life. His plan for me is what makes me happy, makes me feel secure in myself and my love with Him.

So thank you God for this realization and for having friends like Nick who don't let me forget that you know what you're doing and I'll always be safe in your arms.

new beginnings

Moved in. New dorm, new roommates, new adventures, new challenges, new opportunities; so many new things my eyes are going to be opened up to over the next few months. Excited, though a general descriptive word, is definitely the right word to describe how I feel about this year.

Happy Days!

Today was one of those days where I just felt like everyone was happy to see me.

Example 1: Visiting the high school
I went in and first went to see Mr. Bly. He had me sit in his class and watch a movie clip with them and then him and I talked. Then I went to visit Mr. Connor and he seemed really happy to see me and was asking me questions about this coming year and giving me compliments. Then I went and saw Judy and her and I had a really nice conversation about growing up and how much you realize about yourself and the people you surround yourself with. Then I went and saw Mrs. Santos and she had me sit with her while she ate lunch so we could talk more. While at lunch with Mrs. Santos I saw Mrs. Nesbit and she, of course, was up to hug me in less than a second, asking me all about how excited I was to go back to school. It was just nice that none of them were quick to dismiss me and they all had time for me. I must have just come on a good day.

Example 2: Facebook
Everyone is all "when are you moving back? I can't wait to see you!" and trying to plan lunches. And then when I start to say stupid things to people, they think I'm hilarious. I know it's technology and they have time to think of a witty and respectful answer but hey, I can dream I'm funny.

Example 3: Skype!
I got to Skype with Josh tonight and we talked for like an hour which was really nice because even though I was tired, it was nice to know that we were both having fun talking to each other about random things both happy and serious.

I guess it's just days like today where I feel really lucky to have the people I do in my life. And when I say days like today, I really mean everyday.

Today is Only the Beginning

It's days like today that make the world look so much more beautiful - where the sun shines a little brighter, the grass looks a little greener and the wind feels just a little more cool.
To be able to talk to someone about religion, about their beliefs, that they want to learn from me as much as I long to learn from them brings me to a new understanding - a bond - every time I get the chance to sit with someone and talk about something that is so equally important to us both.
And then being able to do something I love. I love filming, creating something out of clips and helping people with a project they perhaps know very little to nothing about. By doing so, I always have new doors open to me - whether to the experience I gain or to a possible internship, and all by helping people and doing something so simple to me, something I love.

More than anything though, it's the smile on my mother's face at the end of the day because she is finally free of "the man" that has been holding her back and only been a negative part of her life. More than anything, her being able to walk away from her job makes me so proud of her and so excited for this new beginning in her (and my family's) life. More than anything, this is when I know I need to talk to God and ask him to guide her to a happier place, a place where she can do what she loves.